To Be or Not to Be (like me)

I have a daughter who has been struggling for quite some time with an eating disorder. I first noticed the signs when she was about three years old. She would chew her food and spit it out. She knows she has a problem and has sought out help from a few trusted people, me being one of them.

I never really thought about the cause of this, seeing as how she struggled for so long and started so young. But last week, being the good dietitian I am, decided in order to conquer this, knew it was time to discuss why she feels she can't eat.

Wow, I never expected what happened next. "Mom" she said, "I don't want to look like you". Tears wanted to flow, anger wanted to explode, but truth told me I couldn't be sad or upset. Truth told me, I don't want to look like me either.

This particular child has been told from the day she was born that she looked like just like her mother. She had my eyes, my coloring, and my smile. I remember thinking as a young mother how much I wanted a child that looked like me, because I wanted to be able to appreciate the beauty other people saw in me that I couldn't see through all the stereotypes of beauty I held.

I never imagined the result. After years of hearing me say, over and over again, "I am ugly", "I am fat", "I will never be worth anything" because of my weight, she has adopted that as her problems now, too.

I know we will conquer this eating disorder, we have seen so much progress in just the last year, but I am not sure how either of us will recover from the lasting effects of the words that have been spoken.

What's Up with the New Title?

Had I sat down as a child (which I never did, sit down I mean) and made a list of the "perfect mom", it would've gone something like this...

1. Pretty
2. Fun
3. Rich
4. Popular
5. Clean and Organized
6. Good Cook
7. Did I say Pretty? I meant Beautiful!
8. Fun, Fun, Fun... in case you didn't get it the first time

I'm glad I didn't make the list, because it would have given me one more thing (or 8 things to be exact) to beat myself up over for not doing right now. I'm sure you've NEVER felt that way...

Well, I have been mulling this over for a long time. I always wanted to blog, isn't that what the "Cool Mom's" do? They post pictures of their kids in brand name clothes, playing and smiling, looking like they came off the cover of a magazine. Crafts of all the cute things they make in their spare time. Vacations on the beaches of Hawaii where they announce in the sand their joy of being "preggers" for all to share. Gourmet dinners on the table every night, and even the kids lunches REALLY! You know, we've all seen them. Well, I wanted to be that mom. Who doesn't? Reality hit when I realized I had no time for crafts, no money for vacations, and no cute pictures of my kids. (Don't get me wrong, I havecute kids, just not cute pictures.) Well, after my first attempt at blogging I quickly realized I am just not that good at coming up with the cutesy, crafty, perfect life... because, well, I don't have that life. I love those moms, and if you are one of them please don't be offended, I want to be you, I just can't. So, I decided, in an effort to keep my blog going, I would have to change it up, and for me, that was to stop trying to be someone I am not, and just be me. Just be real. So, here it goes... wish me luck.