The Journey of a Lifetime

Here it goes, I was not going to post about this, well, because it is quite personal to me, but now I feel like I have no choice...

Ever since I was 7 years old I have struggled with weight issues. My life changed drastically that year, and to comfort myself I found a close friend with food.

In the years to follow I did everything I knew to try to stop the rapid increase of my body size, even to the degree of being bulimic in college. (My purge of choice was not the common one of throwing up, but exercising on the treadmill until the calorie counter was 20-40% above the calories I had eaten that day.)

I chose Dietetics as a major in college, hoping to learn all I could about nutrition, selfishly, to help out only me. I was spiralling out of control and honestly didn't know where else to turn.

Well... that takes me to January 16, 2008.... my 34th birthday. I spent years of pain and suffering, and after 5 kids felt I had no where else to turn but to surgery. I begged Gerald for the last five years for it, but he wasn't willing to accept the risks if anything went wrong... and, typical of naturally lean people, he didn't understand why exercise and diet couldn't work for me... as if I hadn't tried!!!! Well, this particual day, he finally saw my pain, knew that I wasn't a good mom, wife, dietitian, all the labels I have, because I hated myself more than anything. That night at dinner he finally aquiesed, with one stipulation, that I do all I can this year to lose whatever weight I could, and if, after a year of trying, I did not succeed, then I could have the surgery.

That same night, my parents stopped by with a present and an offer... they wanted to return to Weight Watchers (my mother had been very successful with it in the past and is a lifetime member) and wanted me to go with them. It took me two weeks to think about it, but I knew if I was going to follow Gerald's stipulations, and if anything was going to work, I needed to go.

Fast forward to June 2008. I had lost 42 pounds... with the help of Weight Watchers and a doctor who was so willing to discuss every prescription I take, and how to improve my chances of losing weight. (I have hypothyroidism so out of control that in the past, any attempt to raise my metabolism has been met with complete body shut down and chronic fatigue). I was ecstatic... I was not even half way to my goal... but for the first time in my life I felt in control.

Then....

My family came to town. For most people this is a happy, joyous occasion, and I'm not saying that I have a horrible family. They are wonderful people, but there are emotions that run deep of being teased, disliked, and never really feeling accepted (yes, I think anyone with 3 older brothers could say the same thing). All those emotions came out, and after 7 weeks of finding my old best-friend, looking stunning as always in that gorgeous prom dress of shimmering fat and sugary lace that was always such a comfort to me in times like this. After sitting by my side, comforting me several times a week (always at family picnics) I lost control. She became my constant companion. I couldn't wake up with out looking for her, and of course, she was the very last person I said good night to before drifting off to sleep.

Luckily, in the last 7 or so weeks, I only put on 6 pounds... oh, it could have been so much worse... but 6 pounds has feels like such a failure that I don't know where to go from here. I have kicked my friend out of the house, but that treadmill that took her place so many months ago is so lonely... just begging for a little romp... just a few times a week... but I can't find my strength... I am so afraid of failure that I even missed my last 2 weeks at Weight Watchers meetings.

So, why do I post now? Because I need support! I need encouragement! I need friends, new friends, not old tasty ones! I need to finish this journey... and I finally realized that I cannot do it alone, that I do not have the strength to keep going on my own, so now I am inviting you to come along.